December 31, 2016. I was really happy for the year to end since I’d had the feeling of being way off the mark on every single one of the last 365 days.
January 4, 2017. I just learned that someone had broken into my flat in Grenoble. I broke down. But just then, I realized that I was getting more familiar with that other Nina, the one that breaks down sometimes.
2016 had not been in fact a year off the mark for me. Quite the opposite! It had been an outstanding journey within the confines of my own self. All the hard times that came gave me an opportunity to meet that family that lives within me.
“Without having to admit being schizophrenic, we can recognize and admit that a whole family lives inside of us, a choir of voice which shares, unbeknown to us, our mental space and body; we learn to manage it, to come back to our “me” without destroying or hurting any member of this inside family. Let’s identify the voices, let’s not identify to them: we are not our mind, our emotions, our sensations, we are further and ahead: we include these voices and we are aware of them.”
Many know Nina Caprez. A climber with a strong personality, who knows what she wants and throws herself full on to get it. It’s a relatable character with an inspiring and positive aura.
In February 2016, the weak Nina showed up in plain sight like never before in my life. I reached out to my friends and family because I was not going to make it out alone. I had lost confidence in my physical abilities. My ailing body took me to place I could have never imagined before. Yet such a frail state also made me connect to a more spiritual world. I felt such close to a higher force surrounding us and to those who have long departed, among them is my father.
As the year unfolded, the wise Nina became a more regular visitor. She had been building herself slowly over the course of the last two or three years. It’s a kinder and softer Nina, for herself and for others. She is much more reflective and has grown a good sense of « je la sens ou je ne la sens pas », some sort of safety device.
In the summer, the call of the mountain came loud and clear. I did not go to check a ticklist but to get exposed in unknown terrain. The power of the mountain helped me reconnect with the world around me and had a great soothing effect on me. Many nights spent under the stars, savoring the present moment and chatting away with my climbing partner…“refaire le monde”. Every minute spent in the mountains was thrill and jubilation all the way to the bottom of my soul. I felt alive!
Towards the end of the year, I was again with the Nina Caprez we know better. It was a great relief and the proof that my body had recovered from the parasite I had caught in February in Turkey. I started hitting harder routes again, thanks also to the many hours spent climbing while weaker. There IS a right time to get your ass kicked!
Let’s go back to the break in for a minute. The weak Nina showed up in these circumstances, but with a bit of pragmatism, I manage to not let the break become an invasion of my intimate world. I let that Nina take the stage. I called my mom, got my crying done, and asked for help from the people around me. After a couple days, the weak Nina had packed her bags and left me in a richer place. I was even happy that perhaps the stolen gear would be like a gift to someone in need.
So I guess I will change the title of this post and make it mine:
“What does not kill you makes you richer”
2016 gave me opportunities to discover many sides of myself, to leave breathing room to all the characters of my interior family, and to be proud of each one of them. Nina Caprez lives with a weak and vulnerable Nina. Another one is wise and well put. Like everyone I guess. Or just maybe with an extra pinch of craziness?;-)
Photos: Sam Bié, Jason Bagby, Sam Challéat, Benoit Merlin, Véronique Hoegger